🛁 The Groomer’s Internal Monologue

(A completely honest, slightly dramatic play-by-play of your dog’s spa day)

Ever wonder what goes on in your groomer’s head during your dog’s appointment?

No?

That’s okay.

I’ve been thinking enough for both of us. 😌

🐾 Check-In: The Meet & Greet

• What you say:

“He’s super friendly! He LOVES being groomed!”

• What I’m thinking:

Define “friendly.” Are we talking golden retriever energy…or full-speed body slam with love?

OR

• What you say:

“She’s great for the dryer at home!”

• What I’m thinking:

Amazing. Love that for her. This dryer sounds like a small jet engine… but we’ll ease into it and keep the vibes positive.

OR

• What you say:

“I want something short but not shaved.”

• What I’m thinking:

Ah yes. The classic. Short… but not short. Got it. We’ll find the version of that that exists in real life.

OR

• What you say:

“I don’t care, just make her cute!”

• What I’m thinking:

You do care. Deeply. And I respect that. Let’s just admit it together.

OR

• What you say:

“I want a teddy bear cut.”

• What I’m thinking: Perfect. Which version of “teddy bear.” Let’s pick which one we’re manifesting today.

• Also me, smiling but internally running a checklist: Length? Ears? Tail? Eyelashes? Skin issues? Mobility? Hidden surprises? What’s the game plan if we find mats? Do we save it… or save the dog’s comfort?

You hand me the leash.

Your dog: 👁👄👁

Me: Alright. Let’s see who we are today. They trust me. I want to nail this.

🔍 Pre-Bath Check

Hands on dog. Feeling through coat…

• What I’m thinking:

Okay… not bad… a little tangly……oh. OH. We’ve entered “secret felt project” territory. Behind the ears? Of course.

• Internal dialogue: Alright… we’ve got some matting. We can brush… or we can be honest. Comfort > aesthetics. Every time. We’ll come up with a plan. Nobody panic.

🛁 Bath Time

Dog suddenly forgets how legs work.

• What I’m thinking:

You walked in here like an athlete. What is this.

Water turns on.

Dog: collapses emotionally

• Me: It’s okay. I’ve got you. This is a safe space. Please don’t shake— 💦 …fantastic.

• Also me: Let’s get the temp right… Quick skin check… okay… is that new? Noted. Protect the ears… avoid the eyes…what did you roll in though. Be honest. Rinse. Rinse again. One more time because I don’t trust the first two. Okay. We survived.

💨 Drying

The dryer comes out.

• What I’m thinking:

Ah yes. The drama machine.

• Dog:

I have never experienced peace. What is this betrayal?!

• Me:

You were literally fine 30 seconds ago. I know this isn’t fun, stay calm, stay relaxed. Jeez ears take forever to dry…

At this point:

We are both in it. Slow and Steady always succeeds!

✨ This is where the glow-up begins. ✨

✂️ Haircut Time

Now we sculpt. Now we create.

• What I’m thinking:

Okay… just hold still—

• Dog: moves

• Me: Love that. Love the creativity. Not helpful—but inspiring. When did you learn how to tap dance? Keep just on foot steady. Please keep your head up. Still. be Still.

• Also me: Please stand. No, not like that. Why are you sitting like a shrimp. You’re so cute though. This is why you get away with everything. We’re best friends now, by the way. Is this even? Is that balanced? Is this “short but not shaved” enough for everyone involved?? Oh—there’s a tangle. Okay. We’re not fighting that. We’re making a kind decision. We’ll blend it. We’ll make it cute. We move on.

🐾 Nails & Ears

Nails:

• What I’m thinking:

This is either going to take 30 seconds…or become a full event. Please don’t kick!

• Dog pulls paw away.

• Me: I promise I’m on your side. We’ll go slow… you’re okay… almost done…Don’t forget the dewclaws

Ears:

• Me: Quick clean…Okay… a little waxy… a little stinky…Noted. We’ll mention that.

✨ Finishing Touches

Fluff. Comb. Details.

• What I’m thinking:

Look at you. A masterpiece. A tiny work of art.

• Dog: immediately messes it up…incredible. Of course.

• Also: Please stand still for ONE second…Do not forget the eyelashes. Do. Not. Forget. Perfect. Oh my gosh. You are SO cute. I need a picture.

🚪 Pick-Up Time

You walk in.

• Dog: I HAVE MISSED YOU MY ENTIRE LIFE

• What I’m thinking:

Tell them how dramatic you were. Tell them everything we want through.

• You say:

“He looks SO cute!!”

• Me (out loud):

“Thank you!! He did great 😊. But was a real fuss for his nails!”

• Me (internally): Okay good. You like it. We’re all okay. Is that one hair out of place? Are the ears even or is he tilting?? It’s fine. Everything’s fine.

💛 The Truth Behind the Humor

Here’s the real thing:

We joke.

We think a lot.

We occasionally spiral (just a little).

But every single decision we make is based on your dog’s comfort, safety, and trust.

🐶 Final Thoughts

Your dog might think they survived something dramatic…

But really?

They got a glow-up, a spa day, and a groomer who cared about every little detail. 💛